Just For Now

Welcome to one of those rare moments when I actually feel like sharing what’s going on in my head during one of my midnight ruminations on life. This is all very stream-of-consciousness so please bear with me…

When it comes to finding health care professionals, my family is very loyal to the ones we choose. For several years, I’ve been going to the same physician, dentist, and optometrist. Today, I realized that, within a span of a year, due to varying circumstances (from retirement to illness), I’ve transitioned away from all of them.

People change doctors frequently, but when you’ve been seeing a doctor for so long that they’ve seen you grow up, and you’ve built up a solid foundation of trust with them, and suddenly, that all changes, it’s… sad. And in that moment of realization, I felt really… old. With another birthday fast approaching next month, age has been at the top of my mind.

With this ticking clock nagging at me, I constantly feel compelled to make the most of my time at all times. Since this past January, I’ve committed myself to making this, as Shonda Rhimes would say, the Year of Yes. I pushed myself to be more open to trying new things, meeting new friends, and Making It Happen (my motto of 2015). By conquering my self-doubts and embracing new opportunities, I felt more connected with people and the world around me than I ever have before. For the most part, it’s been a rejuvenating and rewarding year.

But now comes the harsh truth… It seems as if by being the Yes! girl, I’ve opened myself up to the fear that is the fear of missing out (FOMO for all of you acronym fans). Thinking about FOMO always makes me think about Mindy Kaling’s first book, “Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?” and how much Mindy nails it with that title alone. Growing up as the invisible girl, I was used to being left out, but lacked the self-esteem to do more about it, instead choosing to withdraw, because it was easier. Even though I am more visible now, have a stronger sense of self, and actually give a damn about being present, I continually struggle with feeling incredibly alone and inadequate. I don’t know why I thought this would be solved by my mid-twenties, but nope, adulthood is not spared!

When you get lost in your mind all the time (like I do), it can be self-destructive. Especially during this time of the year, the holidays, a cause for celebration, when the inner critic comes out in full force. I start to compare myself to those I consider to be “ahead”, in terms of accomplishments, travels, family, relationships, career, education, money, travel, and fitness, and see how lowly I measure up. Oh, what a festive time to feel like a ho-ho-horrible failure!

I’m prone to conjuring up self-deprecating thoughts, even when I know in the grander scope of things, that’s not the case at all. So, instead of wallowing in self-loathing and leaving it at that, I’ve willed myself to try these few things to get over my pity parties (for 1):

Challenge Myself to Self-Improvement

If someone has something that you want, get over that green envy and work towards gaining it for yourself. For example, I see friends running marathons all year ‘round and they look so fit and happy as a result. I may not have the endurance to go the distance, but I could try something more in my wheelhouse – like dance or kickboxing – and get abs that way!

Take in the Bad Days Along with the Good Days

Once upon a time, I used to believe that a smile! 🙂 was the cure for bad days. Put a smile 🙂 on your face 🙂 and your outlook will magically turn positive 🙂 and the outcome will be all sunshines and rainbows 🙂

Then real life happened and I realized that bad days are inevitable and unavoidable to the human experience and that sometimes, you have to just ride it out, as much as it sucks. But once the chaos has ended, that kick in the ass can be turned into a learning experience or an inspiration for making change. It’s all about perspective.

Stop Performing and Putting On a Fine Appearance

The second part to my previous resolution – the next time the question, “How are you?” comes up in conversation, don’t hesitant to share the low lights along with the highlights. I don’t mean being a Debbie Downer whenever I’m feeling blue, but divulging the fuller, more balanced picture of my current state. I find the people I look up to and relate to the most are the ones who dare to be vulnerable and honest (with a touch of humour to add some lightness) with others, so I want to try and emulate that.

Stop. Sit Down. Relax.
Close Your Eyes. Clear Your Mind. Open Your Heart.
Inhale. Release.
Repeat.

Accept Compliments When Given To Me

Instead of deflecting flattering words (which seems to be the polite thing to do, particularly for girls), treat them as the best Christmas gift you’ve ever received. Cherish them. Internalize them. Save them for a rainy day when you’re feeling like a useless piece of crap. The point is, if someone takes the time to commend you, they must mean it.

Be Thankful and Give Thanks

Think of what you have right now that is good – what makes you feel good and what makes you think good thoughts and what you believe to be the best for your well being – and take care of and treasure that. Give gratitude by paying it forward by helping others, however you may choose to do so.

Remind Others That They Matter

As much as you can, tell those around you that they’re appreciated and not alone. It’s easy to assume that people mean it when they say they’re doing good and look content while saying so, but you don’t know what they could be concealing inside. Just telling someone they’re wonderful can do wonders by reminding them that they have someone rooting for them.

Be Kind to Yourself

Because we’re the hardest on ourselves (and you’re amazing – especially if you read this long-ass post this far!!! – so don’t ever forget that) ❤

It’s that time of year
Leave all our hopelessness’s aside
If just for a little while
Tears stop right here
I know we’ve all had a bumpy ride
I’m secretly on your side

– Imogen Heap, “Just For Now”